Marriage... everyone expects it to be a “live happily-ever-after
situation and if there happens to be a problem... it will all be solved
in thirty to sixty minutes. That scenario makes for a good story line
but definitely not true to life for anyone!
Marriage takes commitment such as the wedding vows state. For better,
for worse, for richer, for poorer and in almost every marriage there is
some of each ingredient at some point or other. Sometimes there is more
of one ingredient than another. Sometimes they come in pairs but such
is life.
Marriage was not instituted for “happiness” parse. Although the joy
of oneness and wholeness must have been intense for the first couple.
God’s instructions to the first pair, Adam and Eve was
Gen 1:27-28 “So God created man in his own image, in the image of
God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed
them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and
replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish
of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living
thing that moveth upon the earth.” Gen 2:15 “And the LORD God took
the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.”
With the pleasure of marriage came responsibility. One man working
together with one woman to replenish the earth and subdue it. That
required co-operation. Both were given equal responsibility for the
earth. But neither of them was complete without the other. When God
said he would make a helpmeet for Adam it revealed God’s understanding
that Adam needed companionship. A companion who would be able to
reciprocate his feelings and who would be able to take an intelligent and
appropriate part in his activities. Together they would accomplish
God’s bidding.
Working together would require the communication of ideas and in the
process sharing the spontaneous outflow of mutual respect and love for
each other with an appreciation for the skills and deeds of the other.
The man and woman would bond with each other to the exclusion of all
others. There would be common care of children and a constant heartfelt
worship of the heavenly Father. Such was to be the constitution of
marriage.
But sin entered paradise.
Sin destroyed marriage as God intended it to be. Blame, division,
domination, the desire for position, self-centeredness, selfishness
along with hard, sweat producing work became the norm for marriage.
And so today we struggle with the age old problems started so long ago
when sin entered into the perfect beautiful garden that God himself had
planted. Sin’s curse is everywhere present upon this planet.
But Jesus came to destroy sin’s curse in our lives.
We still live in a sin cursed world but we are given the ability to rise above it’s
influence in our lives through the Lord Jesus.
Eph 2:2 - 10 “Wherein in time past ye walked according to the
course of this world, according to the prince of the power of
the air,the spirit that now worketh in the children of
disobedience:Amongwhom also we all had our conversation in
times past in the lusts ofour flesh, fulfilling the desires
of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the
children of wrath, even as others.But God,who is rich
in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us,
Even when we were dead in sins, hath
quickened us together with Christ, by (grace ye are saved;)
And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in
heavenly places in Christ Jesus: That in the ages to come
he might show the exceeding riches of his grace in his
kindness toward us through Christ Jesus.
For by grace are ye saved through
faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
Not of works, lest any man should boast.
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus
unto good works,which God hath before ordained that we
should walk in them.”
1John 5:3-5 “For this is the love of God, that we keep his
commandments:
and his commandments are not grievous. For whatsoever is born of God
overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the
world, even our faith. Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that
believeth that Jesus is the Son of God?”
Therefore, as Christians we must strive to allow the workings of God in
our lives as we overcome the curse of sin within our marriages. We must
agree together to accept the responsibility laid upon mankind in the
beginning, co-operate with our mate, communicate our ideas to each
other with mutual respect and love with an appreciation for the skills and
deeds of the other. There must be a mutual bonding that excludes all
others and a common care of our children and a constant heartfelt
worship of the heavenly Father. All this we are to strive to accomplish
while we struggle in the natural with the effects of a fallen world.
Our striving is not to be a “fleshly” striving. Rather it is to be
the result of submission to the will of the Father and an obedience to the
commands of Jesus to love one another even as He loved us. That love is
a sacrificial love and can only be attained as we give ourselves
wholeheartedly to the Lord Jesus Christ. As we submit to His Lordship
we learn to give ourselves to our mates in an unconditional love.
That my friend is not a “live-happily-ever-after” proposition. It
takes dying to oneself and living for another. And dying is often messy and
painful but love will overcome it all.
So how shall I fulfill my responsibility... I believe there are four
A’s to be considered:
1. AWARENESS: What is my spouse’s greatest need right now?
How can I cooperate with God to fulfill that need.
So often we see the “need” in our mate and want to “fix it.”
And so with “fleshly wisdom” we start in on that person trying to change them.
Criticism and attempted coercion comes into play and the result leads
to arguments, debates, self-righteous pronouncements and spiteful
humiliation.
Gal 6:1-5 gives good advice. “Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a
fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such a one in the spirit of
meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Bear ye one
another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if a man think
himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself. But
let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in
himself alone, and not in another. For every man shall bear his own
burden.”
When I see a need in my mate I need to consider what process God wants
to use in restoring that person. I must bathe that situation in prayer
and approach it with deep humility in God’s timing and with His
wisdom. But I must also watch my own behavior because I’m not
perfect and the next time it may be my turn to
be corrected. Each party has faults that
need to be overcome. Such is the state of humanity.
2. ACCEPTANCE: Accept my spouse as Christ has accepted me,
idiosyncrasies and all.
All of us need to be accepted for who we are and who we desire to be.
If I desire to be accepted then I must give that acceptance to others. It
does not mean that I approve of all of their behavior but I must accept
them where they are with a view to co-operate with God in the process.
Often we get mixed up on accepting people vs accepting their sinful
behavior. Jesus exampled the correct way of responding to this problem.
Do you remember the woman at the well in John 4? He accepted her as a
person that needed something she could not attain on her own. She was
living in adultery. Being thirsty for love and acceptance she tried to
find it in relationships with the opposite sex but it was not to be
found. It wasn’t until she surrendered herself to Jesus that she
found the acceptance and love that she had thirsted for for so long.
Jesus saw in her what she could/would become when she received what He
had to give. We in turn need to see what God sees in people. People
hungry and thirsty, trying to fulfill the need in a million fleshy ways
and in the process making mistake after mistake until their lives lay
in tatters all around them. God's response is as the song says, “He
looked beyond my fault and saw my need.” We need to do the same with
compassion and respect.
Jesus approached this lady with compassion and respect. He acknowledged
her sin and spoke to her about it but He did not condemn her. Instead
He told her of a better way... a way that would satisfy the longing in her
heart.
3. ADJUSTMENT: The lifelong process of changing
and being changed. The best way to see someone else change
is to change yourself. One must forever give up the idea
of changing their partner. Only God can change
a person's heart and if the heart is not changed no real
life changing experience has been accomplished. We may
coerce a change of action for our own comfort but it will
not last because it is a work of human effort.
Marriage requires lots of adjustment. Most people do not like change.
They’d rather stay with the status quo because it is more familiar.
But we will never grow in God or have a happy, peaceful marriage, staying
as we are. Change must inevitably happen.
All to often we insist on the other person changing to our standards.
We need to understand this. We cannot change anyone. We may coerce them
into compliance but compliance is not change. Genuine change must come
from within therefore it must come from/through God. Anything short of
that will not produce good fruit.
Since we cannot change others we must focus on changing ourselves under
the dictates of the Spirit of God. As we allow God to change us, our
unruly self will not adversely effect others. In the process they will
have the freedom to change. When the focus is on the other person,
change becomes impossible for both parties.
God has given each of us a will and even He will not violate that will.
He allows us to choose. The consequences of our choice are ours. That
we can be assured of but the choice is still ours to make. If we try to
force or coerce others into compliance we try to play a “god role”
which is very unlike Almighty God but very much like the god of this world,
Satan.
4. APPRECIATION: this means to build up, to increase in value –
appreciate the similarities and differences we share. The idea of
loving someone by these four A’s will work for any relationship.
Last but certainly not lease is appreciation.
I used to chafe under Cecil’s perfectionistic ways until the Lord
Jesus revealed to my heart the advantage of his perfection. He was a skilled
machinist. Consequently he was a valuable employee and provided a good
income for us. He took great pride in keeping his vehicles in top
running order. Consequently I was never caught out on the road in a
broken down vehicle (except for the time “I” forgot to put gas in
the van). I’ve only had a flat tire once in my entire life even though
I’ve driven thousands of miles and that wasn’t Cecil’s fault. I had
picked up a nail, probably in a customer’s driveway. He always took pride in
how he dressed. His clothes were not fifth avenue but he was always clean
and neat. When he built our house he put the best workmanship possible
into it. It seemed like it took forever but it was done right. I could
go on but I think you get the picture. Cecil’s perfectionistic ways
produced many wonderful benefits. I just needed to learn to appreciate
them.
When I taught the Family Relationship’s Class at our church I used to
give my class of young married couples an assignment. They were to
write all the things about their mate that were an aggravation to them on a
piece of paper. Usually the pencils flew rapidly down the edge of the
paper. Next they were to turn that paper over and write down all the
things they appreciated about their mate. As a general rule there was
lots of pencil tapping and puzzled frowns. Obviously, they hadn’t yet
learned to appreciate their mate.
It takes so little to observe and appreciate the good things people do
but we live in a negative world and if we aren’t careful we pick up
negative ways of viewing people. Criticism then becomes our way of life
rather than an attitude of appreciation and thankfulness.
The idea of loving someone by these four A’s will work for any
relationship. But it will take deliberate action and determination. It
will not be an “overnight success” story but it will change your
marriage and change it for the better. Don’t expect the other mate to
start. Take the initiative yourself and watch the change happen.
One caution. Have the right motive. If you change your way of relating
just so the other person will change, nothing will happen. Your change
must come from your heart just like you expect it to be
a heart change for the other person.
Anything less is only a work of the flesh.
Written by Willetta Pilcher
Click here to visit -Teach Me Thy Ways
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